Because our hearts are broken in the context of relationship, this is also where it is healed. In the rigorous process of allowing the self we formed in response to failures of love to give way to a more spontaneous, natural and vital self we reclaim the life we had to abandon to survive, along with the self that came to love, be loved, to create, and that was always up for a great adventure.
Together we will surface and dissolve old, negative beliefs about yourself, like “I’m bad”, “I don’t matter”, “I don’t belong”, “I’m too much”. These were never true, but we were set up to believe them and then try our best to fashion a life with these unconscious beliefs working against us. In response to the unbearable feelings associated with a deep but unconscious self-loathing, we compensate by curating a personality to protect us from the truth. This expression of self, as a compensation, is also not true. As we unbraid the weave of ego, a life that is a true expression of who we are comes back on line. Together, we will do whatever it takes to encourage you to turn toward yourself with tenderness and compassion.
“The point of (intimate relationships) is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good relationship is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.” Rilke
The primary reason for being in a committed relationship is to get as close to each other as possible over the course of a lifetime, while honouring each other’s autonomy and sovereignty. But cultivating this kind of deep intimacy takes courage, consciousness, and daily practice. We fall in love and enjoy a period of deep connection. It’s as if the universe has conspired to bring us our soul mate. After some months we notice that our partner is not everything we imagined. Little things start to get on our nerves. Then bigger things. Then practically everything! The temptation is strong to try to change him/her, to be more like we expected him/her to be. But the more we try to change our beloved the more resentment surfaces in both of us (because this wishing the other was different cuts both ways). We may begin to despair that we’ve made a bad choice.
Sometimes we have and it’s time to exit, ideally with respect and as little drama as possible.
It’s also possible that this relational friction is the greatest opportunity for our own conscious evolution into a more refined capacity for intimacy. Each of us brings emotional wounds and entrenched patterns of behaviour trying to unconsciously get the love we didn’t get. We hope that our partner can finally make up for this deficit, and when s/he doesn’t a primal heartbreak surfaces, a heartbreak that may have more to do with the past than than the present. As we surface this old grief we free our partner from the burden of having to take responsibility for what happened in the past. We let them be without leaving them alone. We create the opportunity to return to the promise of love, but this time around, as two adults who are taking responsibility for the past.
As we each commit to becoming more sovereign individuals, which means not abandoning ourselves for the sake of love, or for anything, true intimacy (letting each other be without leaving each other alone) is possible.
I offer individual and couple’s therapy. The first couple’s session is always a double session (100 minutes). Sessions are 50 minutes, either in person or by Zoom. The cost is $180.00 per session, plus GST. To book a session contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org or fill out a contact form.
12-Week On-line Course: Live Your Own Life: Principles and Practices
Starting in the fall of 2023 I am offering a 12-week course, Living Your Own Life: Principles and Practices.
Why Am I Offering This Course?
In these times of social, political, and psychological upheaval, there are forces that want us to live a life that is not our own. A life which has more to do with conformance and compliance than with expressing our authentic self. Some of these forces are within. Past trauma and emotional failures of love hijack us causing to live from a place of mere survival, repeating old patterns based in negative beliefs about ourselves. Some of these forces come from without, societal forces that have a vested interest in you conforming to values and policies that are not aligned with your soul. These two forces conspire to keep us playing it safe, to do what is expected of us, to blend in with the crowd. They end up stifling your deepest expression of the life you came to live, weakening the spirit, and sapping vitality.
Very early in life most of us developed a “stand-in” for our true self. This alienated self, the stand-in, was always meant to be a temporary life raft, something that would help us survive the storms of early childhood trauma. But we get attached to it. It becomes us. We become it. And with this survivor self we make a life as best we can. Some of us even bring off “successful” lives, but inside it just doesn’t feel right. Something is missing, and that something, all too often, is you.
I mean the true you. Heart-centered. Strong. Courageous. Unique. Unrepeatable you.
I understand firsthand the difference between this radiant and beautiful gift to the world and the small self we constructed to survive.
I was shown in a ceremony the ways that I was not living my own life. It hit me hard. I stumbled out of the maloca, gazed up at a sky of stars and declared “My life hasn’t been my own”. I saw how I curated a personality just to survive lovelessness. The question then seared itself into me, how do I get my life back? Right there, with the living stars as my witness, I declared that I would dedicate myself to “just being me”.
After returning to the maloca, I sat on my mat, spine straight, feeling strong and surveyed my courageous co-sojourners. I opened my heart to each one of them. One by one I prayed a simple, heart-felt prayer: Just. Be. You.
This course is a manifestation, years later, of that simple prayer extended to you. I want to do everything I can before my time is up to create the opportunity for you to be you, nothing more, nothing less.
But there’s the rub, isn’t it? It sounds simple, but it’s not. How exactly do we make this soul return? What are the practices? Who will support us? How do we find the courage to manifest a life that has the feel of a natural and spontaneous flow, that is an expression Life itself living us? What is the way back home to you? I’m excited to share the uncommon wisdom that has been revealed to me.
Live Your Own Life:Principles and Practices
A Twelve Week Journey Back to You
Setting the Intention: In this first session you will identify the life you want in three areas: thoughts, feelings and attitudes; relationships; and in the material world. We will utilize an ancient magical practice of seeding your subconscious with this beautiful and powerful life.
(Removing the Obstacles to Realization)
1. Unconscious (Self-Limiting) Beliefs sabotage the life we want.
(The practice of identifying and overcoming your trauma signature)
2. Our core addiction is to the trauma self.
(The practice of taking responsibility for re-enacting old patterns and ending them)
3. The performance of good gets in the way of the practice of true
(The practice of not being nice – while still being kind)
4. Suffer what is yours to suffer.
(The practice of allowing all feelings, breaking through denial, and birthing self-compassion)
5. Endure Nothing and Nobody
(The practice of treating yourself well)
6. Grief is the way home to your true self
(The practice of giving up false hope)
7. Trade in self-improvement for self-acceptance
(The practice of dropping the whip, dropping in, and trusting the evolutionary impulse)
8. Replace the search for experts with inner knowing
(The practice of sovereignty)
9. Intimacy is the union of sovereign individuals
(The practice of not abandoning yourself to belong and be loved)
10. Replace the search for meaning with the practice of intensity
(The practice of letting go of the need to know and embracing Mystery)
11. It’s all grace.
(The practice of surrender, gratitude, radical hospitality, and living at the pace of life)
The course will be on-line via Zoom. We will stay connected between sessions on a social media platform to be determined. The course is limited to 20 persons. For early registration send me an email at email@example.com with a brief bio and why this course speaks to you at this time on your journey.
COST: $2400.00 or three payments of $800.00
Early registration by July 15th: $2000.00 or three payments of $670.00
To register contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org.