One of the most common assumptions in modern spirituality is that the highest goal is to transcend the self.
We’re told that we’re all one. That we’re the ocean, not merely the wave. That awakening means dissolving the illusion of separation.
There’s deep wisdom in these teachings.
But I’ve begun to wonder whether they’re sometimes heard in ways that inadvertently reinforce the very problem many of us are trying to heal.
Especially if we’ve spent a lifetime people-pleasing.
Especially if we’ve learned to abandon ourselves in order to belong.
For many people, becoming “less self” isn’t the medicine.
Becoming more fully themselves is.
That may sound paradoxical, but I believe real spirituality makes you more you.
A Conversation That Made Me Think
Recently I had a fascinating conversation with a gifted man who reads energetic fields.
As we talked, I explained the work I do helping people recover from people-pleasing and self-abandonment. I spoke about authenticity, personal sovereignty, and the courage it takes to become an individual within marriage, family, friendships, and community.
Almost immediately, he responded with a familiar spiritual teaching.
He reminded me that we’re not just the individual wave—we’re the ocean itself.
I agreed.
Of course we are.
The mystical traditions have pointed toward this reality for thousands of years.
But as I listened, I noticed something.
I wasn’t talking about metaphysics.
I was talking about psychology.
Those are not always the same conversation.
Unity Isn’t the Same as Individuation
One of the greatest insights of modern psychology—particularly in the work of Carl Jung—is that becoming whole involves a process of individuation.
That doesn’t mean becoming selfish.
It doesn’t mean separating ourselves from everyone else.
It means becoming the unique person we were created to become.
Developing our own voice.
Learning to think our own thoughts.
Feeling our own feelings.
Speaking honestly.
Living from our deepest convictions instead of constantly adapting ourselves to the expectations of others.
This is particularly important for people who struggle with people-pleasing.
Because people-pleasing isn’t fundamentally a problem of kindness.
It’s a problem of self-abandonment.
When Spirituality Becomes Another Way of Disappearing
Here’s the danger.
If you’ve spent your entire life disappearing into other people’s expectations, spiritual teachings about surrender can become another strategy for disappearing.
You stop asking yourself:
“What do I actually think?”
“What do I really want?”
“What feels true to me?”
Instead, you continue adapting.
Only now you call it spirituality.
You convince yourself that having no preferences is enlightenment.
That never disagreeing is compassion.
That keeping everyone happy is unconditional love.
But underneath the calm exterior, something else begins to grow.
Resentment.
Anxiety.
Eventually, depression.
Not because you’re failing spiritually.
But because you’re abandoning yourself psychologically.
Why People-Pleasing Always Has a Cost
People often think people-pleasing is harmless.
After all, you’re nice.
You’re accommodating.
You’re easy to be around.
You’re generous.
But every time you consistently silence your own experience, something accumulates beneath the surface.
First comes resentment.
Then anxiety.
Then exhaustion.
Then sometimes depression.
Because the human soul isn’t designed to live someone else’s life.
We are designed for relationship.
But relationship requires two real people.
Not one person constantly disappearing so the other can remain comfortable.
The Courage to Become Yourself
This is why I believe authentic spirituality doesn’t erase individuality.
It strengthens it.
Not ego.
Not narcissism.
Not self-importance.
Something much quieter.
A grounded sense of self.
The ability to stand in your own experience without attacking someone else’s.
The willingness to say yes when you mean yes.
And no when you mean no.
The courage to disappoint people when honesty requires it.
This isn’t separation.
It’s maturity.
Paradoxically, the more rooted we become in ourselves, the more capable we are of genuine love.
Because we’re no longer loving from fear.
We’re loving from freedom.
Intimate Relationships Reveal Everything
Perhaps nowhere is this more difficult than in intimate relationships.
Many of us learned early that love depended upon adapting.
Keeping the peace.
Avoiding conflict.
Managing another person’s emotional state.
Over time, we lose contact with our own.
We become experts at reading everyone else’s needs while remaining strangers to ourselves.
Recovering from people-pleasing means gently reversing that pattern.
Not by becoming hard.
Not by becoming selfish.
But by becoming honest.
Honesty creates intimacy.
Performance only creates proximity.
The Spiritual Task of Our Time
I sometimes wonder whether one of the great spiritual tasks of our generation is recovering the individual.
Not the isolated individual.
Not the hyper-independent individual.
But the authentic individual.
Someone capable of standing within the great unity of life while still expressing their own unrepeatable voice.
The wave doesn’t stop being the ocean.
But neither does the ocean ask the wave to disappear.
It asks the wave to become fully itself.
Perhaps that’s what genuine awakening looks like.
Not becoming less human.
Becoming more fully human.
Real Spirituality Makes You More You
For those of us recovering from people-pleasing, this distinction matters enormously.
Healing isn’t about losing ourselves.
It’s about finding ourselves.
It’s about reclaiming the voice that became quiet.
The desires that became hidden.
The boundaries that disappeared.
The life we postponed while trying to earn love through accommodation.
Real spirituality doesn’t ask you to become someone else.
It invites you to become more completely yourself.
Because you only get one life.
Let it be yours.
If this reflection resonates…
If you’re ready to stop people-pleasing, reclaim your authentic voice, and begin living your own unrepeatable life, I’d love to welcome you into the Just.Be.You community.
Join us here:
https://www.skool.com/justbeyou/about
