Relationship Therapy
“The Point of Intimate Relationships...
... is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good relationship is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development.
But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.”
- Rilke
I am a trained and accredited marriage and family therapist with the Canadian Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (RMFT 201707).
The Challenge of Intimate Relationships
Intimate relationships ask us to solve one of the deepest human tensions: how to move toward genuine closeness without losing ourselves in the process. We long to be fully seen, loved, and connected — yet many of us learned early in life that intimacy came at a cost. The cost was often self-abandonment: silencing our truth, suppressing our needs, walking on eggshells, over-functioning, or becoming who we thought we needed to be in order to preserve connection.
At the time, these adaptations made sense. They helped you maintain attachment, belonging, and emotional safety. But what once protected you can later become the very thing that undermines intimacy. Without realizing it, you may find yourself replaying old relational patterns in your adult relationships — seeking love while fearing honesty, craving closeness while losing your sovereignty, or confusing self-sacrifice with love.
Real intimacy does not require the abandonment of self. In fact, genuine intimacy becomes possible only when two people can remain connected while also remaining true to themselves. Therapy can help you recognize and interrupt the old agreements you unconsciously made about love, conflict, approval, and worth — so that relationships become a place of authenticity, freedom, and deeper connection rather than fear and adaptation.
From Falling In Love to Real Love
Most relationships begin with a period of intensity, attraction, and emotional fusion. We feel deeply seen, chosen, alive. It can seem as though we have finally found the person who will complete us, heal our loneliness, or rescue us from the ache of separation. In the early stages of love, we often project onto our partner not only who they are, but who we need them to be.
Eventually, reality enters the relationship. The differences, limitations, habits, wounds, and imperfections we couldn’t initially see begin to emerge. What once felt effortless may now feel frustrating, disappointing, or even threatening. This is not necessarily the end of love — it is often the end of fantasy.
At this crossroads, many couples either turn away from one another or begin the deeper work of real intimacy. Mature love asks something different of us: the willingness to let another person be fully themselves without trying to control, rescue, fix, or lose ourselves in them. Real love is not fusion. It is the capacity to remain connected while also remaining true to oneself. Paradoxically, it is only when two people stop abandoning themselves that genuine intimacy becomes possible.
If Only They Would Change!
When relationships become strained, it is natural to look outward and conclude that the problem lies primarily with the other person. If only they were more emotionally available, less defensive, more attentive, less critical, more ambitious, more affectionate — then things would finally feel better. The temptation to reshape, manage, or “improve” our partner can become very strong, especially when we feel disappointed, unseen, or hurt.
But the more we try to change another person into who we need them to be, the more resentment and disconnection tend to grow in both people. Over time, couples can become locked in cycles of criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal, control, or despair. Sometimes, despite sincere effort, a relationship has reached its natural end, and part of the work becomes navigating that ending with honesty, dignity, compassion, and as little unnecessary harm as possible.
But often, relational friction is not simply a sign that something has gone wrong. It may also be an invitation into deeper awareness and growth. Intimate relationships inevitably expose our expectations, wounds, fears, unconscious agreements, and attempts to control love itself. The question gradually shifts from “How do I change my partner?” to “What is this relationship revealing about me?”
Therapy can help you explore these patterns with greater clarity and compassion, so that love becomes less about control, projection, or self-abandonment, and more about learning how to remain connected without losing yourself or demanding that the other person stop being who they are.
Early Heartbreak Gets In the Way
When relationships become strained, it is natural to look outward and conclude that the problem lies primarily with the other person. If only they were more emotionally available, less defensive, more attentive, less critical, more ambitious, more affectionate — then things would finally feel better. The temptation to reshape, manage, or “improve” our partner can become very strong, especially when we feel disappointed, unseen, or hurt.
But the more we try to change another person into who we need them to be, the more resentment and disconnection tend to grow in both people. Over time, couples can become locked in cycles of criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal, control, or despair. Sometimes, despite sincere effort, a relationship has reached its natural end, and part of the work becomes navigating that ending with honesty, dignity, compassion, and as little unnecessary harm as possible.
But often, relational friction is not simply a sign that something has gone wrong. It may also be an invitation into deeper awareness and growth. Intimate relationships inevitably expose our expectations, wounds, fears, unconscious agreements, and attempts to control love itself. The question gradually shifts from “How do I change my partner?” to “What is this relationship revealing about me?”
Therapy can help you explore these patterns with greater clarity and compassion, so that love becomes less about control, projection, or self-abandonment, and more about learning how to remain connected without losing yourself or demanding that the other person stop being who they are.
Relationship Therapy FAQ
The minimum length of time is typically eight weeks. But it can take longer to identify old patterns and make new agreements. The first session is always a double session (100 minutes).
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