“I consider many adults (including myself) are or have been, more or less, in a hypnotic trance, induced in early infancy: we remain in this state – when we dead awaken, as Ibsen has one of his characters say – we shall find that we have never lived.”—R.D. Laing
R.D. Laing’s words about the trance most of us live in resonate deeply because they speak to a fundamental truth about the human condition: we live much of our lives on autopilot, replaying patterns imprinted on us in early childhood. These patterns, emotional and behavioral, shape our sense of self, our relationships, and our view of the world. Until we bring them to consciousness, they keep us stuck in a loop of unconscious repetition.
The Origins of Our Patterns
From the moment we are born, we are deeply influenced by the emotional landscape of our caregivers. Their feelings toward us, themselves, and life itself leave indelible marks on our psyche. Even if these feelings are unconscious, they become part of the air we breathe. We internalize their views and emotions, embedding them into our own understanding of ourselves and the world.
If a parent unconsciously believes they are unworthy, that belief often becomes a silent script we inherit: I am unworthy. If they feel life is a struggle, we absorb that energy too: Life is hard; I must struggle to survive. When they treat us as they were treated (mistreated actually) we also internalize their feelings toward us – even if they are unspoken, we feel it and interpret it: You are stupid, you are a nuisance, you don’t belong, you shouldn’t have feelings, your needs and desires are selfish, etc. etc. These become Core Unconscious Beliefs in our own psyche, all of which form a core of self-loathing.
This self-loathing appears as the inner voice of withering self-criticism and judgment when we have made a mistake, fail, or get feedback that challenges our egoic construction of ourselves.
And then, we create the conditions in our life in a way that lands us back in the vicious cycle of self-loathing. But we do so unaware. And then feel like a victim of life and a victim of others.
These early imprints act like a hypnotic trance, dictating our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Over time, these patterns create self-hating cycles—feelings of inadequacy, shame, and fear—that repeat themselves, not because they are true, but because they remain unexamined.
The Role of the Ego: A Defense Against Pain
To protect ourselves from the painful emotions associated with these imprints, we build a defense system called the ego. The ego becomes a mask, a false self we present to the world to gain approval, avoid rejection, and minimize discomfort. This is the foundation of people-pleasing behavior: the desperate attempt to manage how others see us, rooted in the belief that we are fundamentally unworthy or flawed.
But the ego, while protective, is also limiting. It disconnects us from our authentic self, perpetuating a cycle of striving, pretending, and pleasing that leaves us feeling hollow. The more we live through this false self, the more distant we become from the truth of who we are.
Breaking Free: Bringing Patterns to Consciousness
The good news is that these patterns are not permanent. They are unconscious—but unconsciousness can be transformed into awareness. Breaking free requires four critical steps:
- Bringing the Patterns to Light The first step is recognizing the imprints that shape your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. This requires reflection and honesty. Journaling, therapy, or simply paying attention to recurring feelings and triggers can help you uncover the stories you’ve been living by.
- Grieving the Pain Once you’ve identified these patterns, it’s essential to grieve them. Grief allows us to process the pain of what we’ve lost or endured. Grieving your early experiences is not about blaming your parents or caregivers; it’s about acknowledging the impact of their unconscious patterns on your life and allowing yourself to feel what you may have suppressed for years.
- Allowing self-compassion to dissolve self-hatred.
- Making a Conscious Decision The final step is deciding that you are finished with these patterns. This decision is a powerful act of agency. It’s not about denying their existence but choosing not to let them define you any longer. With this decision, you begin to build a new foundation rooted in your authentic self.
From Ego to Authenticity
As you awaken from the hypnotic trance of early imprints, you move from egoic striving to authentic living. You no longer need to prove your worth or contort yourself to please others. Instead, you can inhabit your true self—a self that doesn’t need validation from external sources because it knows its inherent worth.
This is the ultimate liberation: to live as your Heart Self, free from the false narratives of the past. When you do this, you step into your full aliveness. As Laing suggests, awakening from the trance is discovering that you can finally, truly live.
A Final Thought
The journey of bringing unconscious patterns to light is not easy, but it is profoundly rewarding. By grieving the past and choosing to live from your Heart Self, you break free from the cycles of self-hatred and people-pleasing that have held you captive. You step into the truth of who you are—whole, worthy, and alive.
When you awaken, you don’t just find freedom for yourself. You create a ripple effect, showing others what’s possible when we live authentically. It starts with a simple yet radical act: choosing to wake up.
Whenever you’re ready, here are a few ways I can support you:
- Free End People Pleasing Consultation: Let’s explore what’s holding you back and map out the next steps for you to live authentically and end people-pleasing. Click here to book.
- Watch My Free End People Pleasing Webinar: Learn the proven framework to break free from people-pleasing in as little as 12 weeks. Click here to watch.
- Join My Free Facebook Group: Surround yourself with like-minded individuals who are reclaiming their freedom and authenticity. Join here.
- Book a Therapy Session with Me: Personalized support tailored to your journey. Email me at [your email address] to get started.
