Fawning and People-Pleasing: Understanding the Hidden Trauma Response

Fawning and People-Pleasing: Understanding the Hidden Trauma Response

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Introduction: What Is Fawning?

When we think of stress or danger, responses like “fight,” “flight,” or “freeze” often come to mind. But there’s a lesser-known trauma response that’s deeply tied to people-pleasing: fawning. Coined by psychotherapist Pete Walker, fawning describes the compulsion to appease others as a way to ensure safety and avoid conflict. It’s a survival mechanism that prioritizes others’ needs and emotions over your own, often to the detriment of your well-being.

For people-pleasers, understanding fawning is crucial. It reveals how deeply ingrained patterns of self-abandonment often stem from trauma—and how healing these patterns can lead to greater freedom, authenticity, and self-worth.


What Is Fawning?

Fawning is a behavior developed in response to prolonged exposure to stressful or unsafe environments, such as toxic relationships, childhood neglect, or abuse. It involves minimizing yourself to avoid potential harm, criticism, or disapproval. Instead of addressing the threat directly (fight), running from it (flight), or becoming immobilized (freeze), a person fawns—actively appeasing the perceived threat to maintain safety.


How Fawning and People-Pleasing Are Connected

People-pleasing is often seen as a personality trait—someone who’s overly kind, agreeable, or accommodating. But when viewed through the lens of trauma, it’s clear that chronic people-pleasing often has roots in fawning. Here’s how they connect:

  1. Avoidance of Conflict:
    • People who fawn learn early on that conflict is dangerous. Pleasing others becomes a way to keep the peace and avoid potential harm or rejection.
  2. Fear of Rejection:
    • Fawning is driven by the fear that being authentic will lead to abandonment or disapproval. This fear pushes people-pleasers to suppress their true selves.
  3. Over-Attunement to Others:
    • People-pleasers who fawn are hyper-aware of others’ needs, emotions, and reactions. They prioritize external harmony over internal well-being.
  4. Self-Abandonment:
    • Fawning often involves suppressing one’s own desires, needs, and boundaries to focus entirely on pleasing others, leading to chronic self-neglect.

Signs of Fawning in People-Pleasing

  • Over-apologizing, even when it’s unnecessary.
  • Difficulty saying no or setting boundaries.
  • Constantly seeking validation or approval from others.
  • Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions or happiness.
  • Suppressing your opinions or preferences to avoid upsetting others.
  • Chronic fear of conflict or rejection.

If these behaviors resonate, it’s likely that your people-pleasing tendencies are linked to fawning.


Why Fawning Develops

Fawning is often rooted in early life experiences, particularly those involving:

  1. Trauma or Neglect:
    • Growing up in an environment where love and acceptance were conditional may teach a child that their safety depends on pleasing others.
  2. Unhealthy Attachment:
    • In relationships with emotionally unavailable or abusive caregivers, fawning becomes a way to maintain connection, even at great personal cost.
  3. Core Unconscious Beliefs (CUBs):
    • Negative beliefs like “I’m not enough” or “I’m only valuable when I’m helpful” often drive fawning behaviors.

The Costs of Fawning

While fawning may feel like a way to stay safe, it often comes at a significant cost:

  • Exhaustion: Constantly prioritizing others’ needs leads to burnout.
  • Resentment: Over-giving without reciprocation breeds frustration.
  • Loss of Identity: You may lose touch with your own desires, values, and authenticity.
  • Perpetuating Unhealthy Relationships: Fawning can attract or enable people who take advantage of your willingness to please.

How to Heal From Fawning and Stop People-Pleasing

Healing from fawning involves reconnecting with your authentic self and learning to prioritize your needs. Here are some steps to begin:

  1. Recognize When You’re Fawning:
    • Notice moments when you’re prioritizing someone else’s comfort over your own well-being. Journaling can help uncover patterns.
  2. Challenge Core Beliefs:
    • Identify and question the unconscious beliefs driving your people-pleasing behavior. Replace thoughts like “I have to make others happy” with “My needs are just as important.”
  3. Set Boundaries:
    • Practice saying no and expressing your preferences. Start small and build confidence over time.
  4. Practice Self-Validation:
    • Shift from seeking external approval to affirming your own worth. Remind yourself: I am enough as I am.
  5. Seek Support:
    • Healing from trauma often requires support. Consider working with a therapist or joining a community focused on personal growth.

The Heart Self: The Opposite of Fawning

Living from your Heart Self means embracing your authenticity, courage, and intrinsic worth. When you align with your Heart Self:

  • You express yourself confidently without fear of rejection.
  • You set boundaries from a place of love and respect.
  • You connect with others authentically, free from the need to please.

Breaking free from fawning isn’t just about stopping people-pleasing—it’s about reclaiming your freedom, dignity, and self-expression.


Final Thoughts: Choose Freedom Over Fear

Fawning might have once kept you safe, but it’s no longer serving you. By recognizing this pattern and taking steps to heal, you can step into a life of authenticity and self-respect. The journey isn’t easy, but it’s worth it—because you are worth it.

If you’re ready to start living as your authentic self, explore the resources below to take the next step.


Whenever you’re ready, here are a few ways I can support you:

  1. Free End People Pleasing Consultation: Let’s explore what’s holding you back and map out the next steps for you to live authentically. Click here to book.
  2. Watch My Free End People Pleasing Webinar: Learn the proven framework to break free from people-pleasing in as little as 12 weeks. Click here to watch.
  3. Join My Free Facebook Group: Surround yourself with like-minded individuals who are reclaiming their freedom and authenticity. Join here.
  4. Book a Therapy Session with Me: Personalized support tailored to your journey. Email me at [your email address] to get started.

Healing is possible. Freedom is possible. Let’s take the first step together.

Bruce Sanguin Psychotherapist

Written by Bruce Sanguin

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