Self-pity is not self-compassion.

Self-pity can become a go-to posture when things are not going our way. It is a feeling that life is conspiring against us. Even our loved ones are treating us unfairly. The boss is being a dick. It’s all too much to take. It’s not fair.

And it’s entirely possible that it’s not fair. Because life isn’t fair. Life is what it is. And when we’ve been on the receiving end of mistreatment as a little person, we easily revert back to the same feelings as we had when it was happening decades ago. There’s often rage. But we discovered early on that rage toward our perpetrators just made things worse. This causes us to collapse into helplessness and the sense that there’s nothing to be done about it. A passive stance toward the exigencies of life, toward the apparent arbitrariness and unfairness of the universe (being expressed through our parents, or siblings, or the bullies at school) sets in.

Self-pity seizes us.

Forming Beliefs about Ourselves

We try to make sense of the apparent unfairness of life by coming to conclusions about ourself and the nature of reality. We carry unconscious beliefs into adulthood that shape how we interpret reality—and these beliefs reveal the lesson we’ve been learning all along.

Beliefs like:
“Life is unfair and it should be fair.”
“It’s all my fault.”
“I’m helpless to do anything about it.”

As children, we drew these conclusions intelligently, given the painful conditions and unfair treatment we had to endure.

In response, the child collapses into moodiness, grows sullen and emotional, withdraws, refuses to cooperate, or acts out with passive aggression—
not because they’re bad,
but because they’re trying to make sense of a world that failed to make room for their truth.

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When someone treats us as adults in ways that mirror how others treated us as children, we often regress into old feelings and behaviors.

The past hijacks us.
Old memory fields flood our system with the emotional residue of being that small, powerless little person.

We feel sorry for ourself.

You’re Not a Victim

Fair enough. But feeling sorry for oneself is the posture of a victim. Once you were actually a victim of circumstances beyond your control. Nothing could be done in the past. When an adult collapses into self-pity, the fantasy that we are doing something about it by making ourselves and others miserable is a repeat of our childhood strategy.

The way out of the childhood regression is not self-judgment or self-criticism. It is a) being mindful and b) being compassionate toward yourself. Mindfulness practice reminds us that our collapse into self-pity is a regression. It is a trip down memory lane into how it was then, and that it no longer is an effective strategy.

It’s as if we’re still being victimized by life, leaving us in a passive stance—convinced that nothing can be done, that it’s hopeless, and that help is beyond reach.

Pivoting to Self-Compassion

Pivoting to self-compassion means that we’re willing to take responsibility for giving to ourselves what we needed then and didn’t get.

Love.

We accept that no, it’s not fair—
we’re the ones who must parent ourselves with tenderness.

But choosing not to do so leads to something worse:
we spend days and weeks caught in suffering,
and we end up passing that suffering on to others.

When we practice genuine self-compassion, we empower ourselves.

We give ourselves permission to ask the hard questions:
“What can I do?”
“Who do I need to confront?”
“What difficult conversations must I initiate?”
“What do I need to ask for?”
“What support must I seek?”

We take full responsibility for our feelings.
And from there, we carve out a new path that aligns with truth, courage, and care.

It means accepting that no, it’s not fair—we have to parent ourselves with tenderness.

But the alternative is worse: spending days and weeks suffering and spreading that suffering to others.

Genuine self-compassion empowers us.

It frees us to ask the hard questions:
“What can I do?”
“Who do I need to confront?”
“What difficult conversations must I initiate?”
“What do I need to ask for?”
“What support must I seek?”

We take responsibility for our feelings.
And from that place, we create a new path forward.

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