Shame and self-expression are intimately related. The goal of life is to express oneself fully. It’s what we’re here to do. It rarely happens because full self-expression means full visibility. Full visibility, in turn, risks being judged and criticized by people who have no life of their own. You’ve put yourself out there, for good or ill. If you were shamed for being you as a little person, it’s not a risk you want to take. The urge to speak up, for example, triggers the memory of shame.

But the cost of not taking that risk is boredom, depression, and chronic anxiety.

The Legacy of Shame

By the time we’re adults we’ve already internalized the voice of judgment, criticism, and shame. It feels like an alien voice in our head is shutting us down, warning us not to put ourselves out there. And if we do, then comes the withering voice of self-criticism. Shame makes us hide, to be invisible, in order to save ourselves the anticipated humiliation of expressing ourselves fully.

The strategy worked to get you through loveless conditions. You learned to play it safe, to remain silent, to never risk being out of control. That was the set up. Then. But now, it’s getting in the way. And making life and you really, really boring. The person who never shows himself, who is always playing it safe, isn’t doing life.

She’s playing the invisible woman (man) game.

Shame and Depression

The thing is, if you don’t self-express you will get depressed. Life will be meaningless and flat. And then you may create an entire philosophy of life for why life is meaningless. Why it’s hopeless. Why you’re helpless.

It’s not. And you’re not. You’re just scared. And often times we’re not aware that we were set up early in life by shame that it wasn’t safe. This is where therapy can support you to uncover the roots of the shame. And to realize that if a parent shamed you for being you it wasn’t personal. It was always about them and how they were shamed. They just passed it on to you. And you don’t need to carry it anymore.

So speak your truth whenever possible. Dance like a banshee. Sing like a meadowlark. Refuse to be mistreated. Let you no be no and your yes be yes.

Your True Self

Show up as your true self without compromise.

If you “fail” , if fear wins the day, just notice it. Replace self-judgment with mindful self-compassion.

We’re here to learn. Life throws us all kinds of opportunities to show up. When we do, great. When we don’t just notice it, without judgment, interpretation or story. It doesn’t “mean” anything. It’s a missed opportunity. That’s it. One thing is certain. More chances will come your way.

But you have to break the habit of invisibility, of hiding if you’re going to do “you” with the time you’ve been given.

Life is for you in this sense. It’s always creating the conditions for you to express yourself. After all, you are the presence of Life, localized. Trees do tree. Bugs do bugs. River does river. You do you.

Humans are the species that appear to be living without actually doing themselves. That’s because we’re the only species that humiliates their offspring.

Be compassionate with yourself when you let the opportunity slip by. Shaming yourself, on behalf of those who shamed you early in life, is no solution. Ever.

Shame and self-expression don’t mix. Time to give up the shame.

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