Who would you be if you were to stop trying so hard?
Many who come to see me expect lots of homework between sessions. They have a problem that they want fixed. Obviously there is something wrong with them, and they think I’m in the self-improvement business.
When I tell them that there’s actually nothing wrong with them, nothing to fix, and that I don’t give homework it can be a bit unsettling.
The fundamental problem with trying hard is that the effort is coming from the same mind that is creating the problems in the first place – the mind of the ego. What’s the root of trying so hard, and how do we stop trying so hard?
Capitalizing on the Belief That You Are Bad and Helpless
The unconscious belief “There is something wrong with me” embeds itself deeply in the psyche.
Preachers capitalize on this belief.
They offer a solution by delivering a new set of beliefs to the flock:
a) You are a sinner and have been from the beginning;
b) Jesus is the Son of God; and
c) If you believe this, your sin will be wiped away.
Sinner to saint by believing the right things, starting with the belief that your own nature is fallen and degraded. Jesus provides the upgrade.
There are many contemporary derivatives of this religious belief that don’t make any explicit reference to you being bad. But it’s implicit. The coaching profession assumes that life is about self-improvement. The coach is there to deliver the homework or program and hold you accountable.
These self-improvement programs feel so compelling because early in life, adults taught us to believe we were bad—and they offered one solution:
Wait for it…
Try harder. I mean, to the point of perfection. If I do it just right. If I perform “good”, if I just will myself to be better, then maybe the hurt will stop.
When we stop trying so hard, the grief of why were trying so hard rises up. Sorrow for how we were treated rises up.
Religion Takes Many Forms
The woke movement, too, is religion by another name. The religion goes by the name of Inclusivity. Diversity. Equality. All solid values. But when they harden into dogma god help the sinner who uses the wrong pronoun. You’ll be cancelled, shamed, and attacked. When you hear environmentalists claim that Earth would be better off without evil humans, it’s a misanthropic derivative of the doctrine of original sin.
All utopian visions, that involve centrally planned futures by an elite on behalf of the lost masses, are also religion by another name. Communism, fascism, cults, a Deep State, they all distrust individual freedom and sovereignty. Leaders (or those in power) insist on controlling the masses—for their own good, of course.
Historically, the masses have acquiesced, even welcomed, their controllers. I will exchange my freedom for your promise of safety, security and salvation in the New Jerusalem that you are promising. I will grant you your administrative state and the experts who are in charge half of my money in the form of taxes in exchange for the illusion of absolute security.
I’ll try harder to be a better citizen, which always translates into a more compliant, obedient citizen.
When someone tells you to stop trying so hard—to be good—it can trigger your instinctual need to belong and to appear loyal to your chosen group, political or otherwise.
Original Blessing
I have a daughter who is 16 months old. As far as I can tell, she wasn’t born bad. My job is to feed her, love her, and protect her. Life does pretty much the rest. I want to find a school that also trusts the intelligence of Life to come to full flower in her, through her and as her. The work is to love her (not an onerous task), pay attention to what lights her up and give her more of that, protect her for a time from harm; and make sure that she knows she deeply belongs here.
It is not to mold her, change her, or improve her in any way.
So, why would the therapeutic relationship be any different? Very few of us have experienced what it feels like when someone takes us seriously—when another person emotionally attunes to us and makes space for all of our feelings to come through. Even fewer people have had someone delight in them, or trust them to find their own way with loving, mindful attention.
The tricky part? Most therapeutic modalities operate under the assumption that you came to be fixed. As a result, the client or patient tunes into the therapist’s expectations and delivers what they believe the therapist wants.
By trying harder to be a good client.
But I say, stop trying harder.
You’re Aren’t Bad, but You May be Traumatized
Sadly, most of us grew up neglected, unseen, punished, and frightened—and the adults around us taught us to believe there was something wrong with us.
Then a preacher steps up and preaches about original sin, and his words strike a nerve—resonating with a deep self-loathing that others planted in us.
We learned, too early and too often, to believe there must be something wrong with us—because the people who were supposed to love us hurt us instead.
And to make matters worse, those same people claimed to love us, which left us confused, bewildered, and unable to trust ourselves.
The mystics of every religious lineage have experienced directly that they are a beautiful and radiant reflection of God/Creator. All the shame and guilt, and anger and contorting of this fundamental identity is caused by trauma.
I suspect that the doctrine of original sin describes what humans become when they are not adequately loved, when a mirror is not held up to them which reflects their divine image. We see ourselves through a cracked mirror that distorts who we really are. Because this lovelessness and violence toward babies and children goes back generations it can be mistaken for being “original”. It’s not. It’s created by humans who have been hurt, hurting their own children, generation after generation.d
The trick is to move into your Heart Self. Which is to then draw upon an intelligence or wisdom that is not ego. From here, from a place of self-compassion and a deep sense of personal legitimacy and value, do what you want to do. It won’t be an effort of the egoic will. It will be a response that is aligned with the deep intelligence of the Universe / God / Goddess / Wisdom.
Nothing to Cure
What if, instead of trying so hard to become a better person, or surrendering our sovereignty to some external authority, we started from the premise that we are already whole? This is what comes online when you are in your Heart Self. How could you improve upon perfection?
From this place, life becomes less about willful effort to improve or be a better person, and more about aligning ourselves with our deepest heart desires. Then, it’s a matter of self-expression not self-improvement.
Therapy is a process of learning to deeply relax in the presence of another who allows you to be who you are without trying to change you or having any particular ambition for you. The therapist offers a non-shaming container—a reset.
In this safe space, you begin to rediscover who you are when someone sees you as the beautiful human you truly are.
Within this relationship, you learn to release the strategies you once used to be loved and to belong—strategies that came at the cost of your authentic self.
As you discover that your true self is deeply lovable, with all its quirks and variegated beauty,
you press restart.
You begin to curate a life that aligns with your deepest desire—
a life that belongs to you.Which is to say, you can start to live your own life.
Let nothing get in the way of that because whatever That is that gave us life wants to know itself through you, and can only do so if you are being true to yourself.
You can stop trying so hard to be the mysterious something or somebody that others want you to be. Just relax and be you.
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