People-pleasing arises from a deeply ingrained belief, often formed in childhood, that one is not enough as they are. This belief drives the need to generate added value to justify one’s existence.

At its core, people-pleasing stems from the idea that one’s natural self—spontaneous and authentic—is insufficient. The perceived lack isn’t just personal; it feels existential, as if one’s very being fails to elicit love, connection, affirmation, or acknowledgment of one’s inherent worth.

The Root of the Wound

When love, care, or affirmation is absent, the feedback a child receives can be devastating. The message, either explicit or implicit, is:

• You are a burden.
• You are unworthy of attention or connection.
• You lack intrinsic value.

This feedback can manifest in many painful ways, including:

1. Punishment
2. Violence (directed at the individual or a parent)
3. Withdrawal of love
4. Sexual abuse
5. Neglect (both physical and emotional)
6. Distraction (when everything else seems more important)
7. Explicit humiliation
8. Emotional disconnection or failure to attune
9. Failed attachment

The Survival Strategy

In response to these experiences, the child develops survival strategies to secure love and connection. People-pleasing is one such strategy. This “added value” takes countless forms, including:

• Over-helpfulness to the point of self-sacrifice
• Caretaking of siblings or parents
• Excessive niceness and fake smiles
• Suppressing anger and personal desires
• Fear of conflict and avoiding opinions
• Chronic self-criticism and rumination
• Living life as a performance, rather than authentically
• Being “nice”
• Being “good”
• Fawning behaviour (e.g. Over-apologizing and over-thanking )
• Inauthentic self-sufficiency ( I don’t need anybody)
• Hypersensitivity to other’s moods and feelings

These behaviors are fueled by shame and guilt. Shame arises from the humiliating need to beg for love or contort oneself to earn it. Guilt follows when the individual senses they are causing distress by simply being themselves.

The Inner Critic

Over time, external criticism, rejection and neglect become internalized, forming what can be called the Critical Parent Voice. This voice echoes painful messages like:

• You are stupid.
• Who do you think you are?
• You’ll never succeed.
• You’re a waste of space.

These harsh judgments feed into Core Unconscious Beliefs, such as:

• I am bad.
• I am worthless.
• I don’t matter.
• I don’t belong.
• I am the cause of your misery.

These beliefs perpetuate the cycle of guilt, shame, and self-abandonment.

There are social and political correlates to people pleasing. The rejection of one’s own individuality, in turn, sets one up to conform to larger social pressures for fear of being cast out, abandoned, shamed. Conform to the pressures of the herd, what Mattias Desmet called “mass formation” (essentially identifying with the masses for fear of being an individual).

Breaking the Cycle

While people-pleasing may appear harmless, it conceals a deep wound. This survival mechanism inhibits the full expression of one’s individuality and perpetuates conformity to societal pressures, as seen in phenomena like “mass formation” (Mattias Desmet).

Steps Toward Healing

1. Recognize the setup.
   Practice mindfulness. Identify the failures of love, the Core Unconscious Beliefs, The Inner Critic, and the survival strategies they prompted. (The Compensation Patterns)
2. Grieve and dis-identify from the wound.
   Understand that the mistreatment was never about you. It had nothing to do with your worth.
3. Cultivate self-compassion.
   Replace self-loathing with self-love, self-affirmation, and self-validation.
4. End harmful relationships.
   Let go of connections where you are not treated with respect or care.
5. Foster healthy relationships.
   Surround yourself with people who see, respect, and love you for who you are.
6. Visualize a new future.
   Use manifestation to imagine and create a life rooted in authenticity and self-worth.
7. Practice mindfulness.
   Engage in daily waking and walking meditations to remain present and self-aware.
8. Choose courage.
   Commit to never abandoning yourself, no matter the circumstances.

Through these practices, it is possible to step out of the cycle of people-pleasing and reclaim your authentic self. Healing may take time, but with compassion, courage, and intentionality, you can chart a path toward freedom and individuality.

Whenever you’re ready, here are a few ways I can support you:

1. Free End People Pleasing Consultation: Let’s explore what’s holding you back and map out the next steps for you to live authentically and end people-pleasing. Click here to book.
2. Watch My Free End People Pleasing Webinar: Learn the proven framework to break free from people-pleasing in as little as 12 weeks. Click here to watch.
3. Join My Free Facebook Group: Surround yourself with like-minded individuals who are reclaiming their freedom and authenticity. Join here.
4. Book a Therapy Session with Me: Personalized support tailored to your journey. Email me at bruce@brucesanguin.ca to get started.