Introduction: What Are Compensating Actions and Beliefs (CABs)?

To understand people pleasing we need to understand the roots of people pleasing and how ego is formed. The foundation of ego—the self-protective construct we rely on to navigate the world—is shaped by what I call Compensating Actions and Beliefs (CABs). These are the behaviors, thought patterns, and personality traits we develop to defend ourselves against the unbearable feelings associated with our Core Unconscious Beliefs (CUBs).

CUBs are deeply ingrained assumptions about ourselves, such as “I am not enough” or “I don’t matter.” CABs arise as a way to protect us from fully feeling the pain, shame, or fear tied to these beliefs. While they may help us cope in the short term, they ultimately disconnect us from our authentic self, locking us into patterns of overcompensation, avoidance, or self-sabotage.

How CABs and CUBs Are Connected to the Roots of People Pleasing

CABs are directly tied to our Core Unconscious Beliefs. They act as a shield, preventing us from confronting the deep emotional wounds underlying our thoughts and actions. Here are a few examples of how CUBs give rise to CABs:

1. CUB: “I am bad.”
   • CAB: You construct an ego that is overly “good”—always doing the right thing, being morally upright, and avoiding any action that might be perceived as wrong. This compensating belief may lead to perfectionism, over-apologizing, or hyper-vigilance in relationships.
2. CUB: “I am not enough.”
   • CAB: You strive for perfection, setting impossibly high standards for yourself in every area of life. The ego’s perfectionism becomes a relentless pursuit to prove your worth and avoid feelings of inadequacy.
3. CUB: “I don’t matter.”
   • CAB: You find ways to matter to everyone in every situation. This might look like chronic people-pleasing, over-giving, or constantly seeking validation from others to feel seen and valued.
4. CUB: “It’s my fault.”
   • CAB: You may either attack anyone who accuses you of wrongdoing (a defensive ego construct) or collapse into shame and depression, internalizing blame even when it’s unwarranted.

The Roots of People Pleasing and the Role of the Ego in Protecting Us

The ego’s primary function is self-preservation. When we experience pain, rejection, or shame, the ego steps in to defend us from these feelings by creating compensating behaviors and beliefs. While this serves as a short-term survival mechanism, it often perpetuates cycles of self-abandonment and inauthenticity. The ego is therefore inherently narcissistic. It cannot get outside of itself, because of its role of self-protection and self-justification.

For example:

• The ego may push you to overachieve to avoid the pain of feeling “not enough.”
• It may drive you to seek constant approval to distract from the belief that you don’t matter.
• It might lead you to suppress anger or sadness to maintain an identity as “good” or “happy.”

Common Compensating Actions and Beliefs (CABs)

Here are some of the most common behavioural patterns associated with CABs:

1. Perfectionism:
   • Rooted in the belief that “I am not enough.” Perfectionism drives you to overperform, overprepare, and avoid mistakes at all costs.
2. People-Pleasing
   • Arising from the belief that “I don’t matter” or “I am unlovable.” People-pleasers focus on meeting others’ needs while neglecting their own. Again, the roots of people pleasing grow in the soil of CABs and CUBs
3. Defensiveness:
   • Linked to the belief that “It’s my fault.” Defensiveness becomes a way to deflect blame and protect against feelings of guilt or inadequacy.
4. Overachievement:
   • Rooted in the belief that “I am not good enough.” Overachievement is a strategy to gain external validation and prove your worth.
5. Avoidance:
   • Stemming from the belief that “The world is unsafe.” Avoidance keeps you from facing challenges, risks, or emotional discomfort.

The Cost of Living Through CABs

While CABs can offer temporary relief from the pain of CUBs, they come at a significant cost:

1. Disconnection from Authenticity:
   • Compensating behaviors mask your true self, leaving you feeling disconnected and unfulfilled.
2. Emotional Exhaustion:
   • Maintaining a compensating persona is draining, leading to burnout, resentment, and chronic stress.
3. Perpetuation of Limiting Beliefs:
   • CABs reinforce the very beliefs they’re meant to protect you from, keeping you stuck in a cycle of avoidance and overcompensation.

How to Dissolve CABs and Reclaim Your Authentic Self

Ending people pleasing mean understanding the roots of people pleasing. Breaking free from CABs involves confronting the Core Unconscious Beliefs driving them. Here’s how to begin:

1. Identify Your Core Unconscious Beliefs:
   • Reflect on patterns in your behavior. Ask yourself: What am I trying to avoid feeling? or What belief might be driving this behavior?
2. Practice Mindful Awareness:
   • Observe your compensating actions and beliefs without judgment. Awareness is the first step toward change.
3. Challenge the Belief:
   • Question the validity of your CUB. For example: Is it really true that I don’t matter? What evidence contradicts this belief?
4. Cultivate Self-Compassion:
   • Treat yourself with kindness and understanding as you uncover and address these patterns. Affirm: “It’s okay to feel this way. I am learning and growing.”
5. Reclaim Your Authenticity:
   • Begin making choices that align with your true self, rather than your compensating ego. This might mean setting boundaries, expressing your needs, or letting go of perfectionism.

Moving Toward Your Heart Self

The opposite of living through CABs is aligning with your Heart Self—the authentic, unconditioned part of you that exists beyond fear and limitation. When you live from your Heart Self:

• You embrace your worthiness, independent of external validation.
• You set boundaries that honor your needs and values.
• You connect with others authentically, free from the compulsion to please or perform.

Conclusion: Reclaiming Your Freedom

Compensating Actions and Beliefs may feel like a necessary shield, but they ultimately keep you from experiencing the fullness of life. By identifying and addressing the Core Unconscious Beliefs underlying these patterns, you can dissolve the ego’s defenses and step into your true self.

Freedom, authenticity, and self-compassion are your birthright. The journey to reclaim them begins with awareness and a willingness to confront the beliefs that no longer serve you.

If you’re ready to explore this process further, I invite you to explore the resources below:

1. Watch My Free End People Pleasing Webinar: Learn the proven framework to break free from people-pleasing in as little as 12 weeks. Click here to watch.