Forgiveness is a powerful word. It’s often held up as the key to freedom—the cornerstone of healing. But the truth about forgiveness is that too often it is a shortcut. It can be little more than spiritual bypassing the deep work of grieving mistreatment. That’s why grieving comes first when it comes to forgiveness.

When forgiveness is cheap, nothing gets resolved. Real healing requires more than simply declaring, “I forgive you.” It requires acknowledging and processing the pain first.

What Is Cheap Forgiveness

True forgiveness isn’t about pretending the pain didn’t happen. The truth about forgiveness is that it’s not a spiritual Band-Aid slapped over a wound that still festers. Too many people are pressured into forgiveness before they’ve even had a chance to grieve. The result? Unprocessed pain, lingering resentment, and a wound that never truly heals.

Forgiveness, when real, comes after grief—not instead of it.

For example, I felt pressure after an ayahuasca ceremony when I “got” for the first time how I was treated as a child caused me to generate a protective ego.

The first question in the integration circle the following day, after I shared my experience, was “But you forgive her right?”

Hmmm…

Forgiveness without Grief Is Bypassing

When we’re mistreated—whether by family, a partner, or life itself—grieving is the necessary work. It’s how we honor our pain, process the loss, and reclaim our power. Without grief, forgiveness is hollow, forced, and often leaves the wounded person feeling unseen. The truth about forgiveness is that it’s not meant as an end run around suffering.

But here’s the thing: while grief is essential, lingering anger and resentment aren’t the answer either. Becoming a lifelong victim serves nobody – especially you. The truth about forgiveness is that while what was done to you wasn’t your fault, it’s now your responsibility to shape a new future despite the past. Why Holding onto Resentment Keeps You Stuck

Holding onto the desire to punish the offender keeps you locked in the past. It keeps you small, reactive, and defined by what happened to you.

Yes, your pain is valid. Yes, what happened to you mattered. But do you want your past to define your future?

So, what’s the way forward?

1. Grieve the Mistreatment

Acknowledge it. Feel it. Let yourself mourn what was lost—whether it’s trust, safety, or love. Skipping this step only buries the pain deeper.

2. Set Boundaries with the Offender

You get to decide the terms of their place in your life. Or whether they belong in your life at all. Forgiveness does not require reconciliation.

3. Ask Yourself: Who Do I Want to Be?

Do you want to stay locked in resentment, defined by past wounds? Or do you want to reclaim your power and step forward as the resilient warrior you truly are?

What If the Offender Never Takes Accountability?

The truth about forgiveness is that it is transactional—it requires a perpetrator and a victim, with the perpetrator taking accountability. But what if they won’t? What if they can’t admit the hurt they caused?

Take this example: your mother hurt you in the past, deeply enough that it has impacted your whole life. But she’s not interested in hearing your story or asking forgiveness. Her attitude is: “Get over it. Worse was done to me and I’m not moaning and groaning about it.”

In this case I would contend that forgiveness is a non-issue. Nobody is asking for it. Nevertheless, it’s on you to grieve and let go.

It doesn’t serve you to either forgive when the perpetrator is asking for it or to hold on to it.

In this case, grieve, let go, move on.

The Most Important Truth about Forgiveness: You Get to Choose, Victim or Victor?

Do you want her in your life? If the answer is yes, live your life as the person you aspire to be—not the reactive victim of your past. If the answer is “no” then end the relationship. It’s not the end of the world, the way it would have been when you were a child.

This doesn’t mean excusing her behavior. It doesn’t mean forgetting. It means choosing to step into your own power, reclaiming your story, and living authentically.

The Path to Deep Healing

• Grieve first. Honor what was lost.
• Set boundaries. Protect your peace.
• Then decide: Who do I want to be?

Here’s the truth about forgiveness: Forgiveness isn’t about spiritually bypassing your grief. And its not about letting anybody off the hook. It’s about setting yourself free to choose a new future.