Made for Love
We’re not born people pleasers. We’re born for relationship, to enter into a dance of intimacy with the world.
In other words, for love.
Somewhere along the line, we discover it’s not on offer.
Or it’s hit and miss.
The “miss” is what breaks our heart.
Like, really, breaks our heart.
The Nervous System Adjustment
Our little brains and nervous systems try to figure out what went wrong. It’s a shock to the system. The entire nervous system has to adjust to a condition of “not love”. It was built to be open. And then to contract, like a jelly fish, when there is true danger. But in the absence of love it goes into a permanent state of contraction, protecting itself from humiliation, the next blow, or simple (but devastating) emotional withholding.
And then the part of our brain that tries to rationalize the mistreatment (neo-cortext) goes into overdrive trying to make sense of what’s happening. This sense-making invariably lands us in conclusions like “it’ my fault”, “I don’t matter”, and “I’m bad” – among others.
This are actually a very intelligent conclusions. Because if it’s their fault, the ones upon whom my life depends, then I’m screwed. But if it’s my fault I’ll figure out a strategy to get the love.
The Birth of the People Pleaser
The seeds of the people-pleaser are planted.
I’ll be what you need me to be:
- Well-behaved? Sure
- Smile for the camera? Easy
- Tune into your needs? Done
- Take care of you? Not a problem.
But it never truly works. We are not born people-pleasers
We unconsciously hope it works. To get us the love and acceptance we didn’t get then. Right into adulthood, we keep hoping, by people-pleasing.
Well, it never was your fault.
But now, it’s time to retire the strategy.
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Book a therapy session with me: bruce@brucesanguin.ca
