Inklings Bruce Sanguin's blog
Breaking the Trance: How Early Imprints Shape Our Life
“I consider many adults (including myself) are or have been, more or less, in a hypnotic trance, induced in early infancy: we remain in this state – when we dead awaken, as Ibsen has one of his characters say – we shall find that we have never lived.”—R.D. LaingR.D. Laing’s words about the trance most … Read more
When You Matter, You “Matter” Yourself
When You Matter, You “Matter” One of the deepest and most persistent unconscious beliefs that people-pleasers carry is this: I don’t matter. This belief, often formed in childhood, shapes how we see ourselves and how we show up in the world—or, more accurately, how we don’t. When we feel like we don’t matter, we unconsciously … Read more
Whatever You Do, Do It for Yourself
People-pleasers may have some trouble with this post. Whatever you do, do it for yourself. Does that feel a little uncomfortable? Before you call this selfish, hear me out. When you do something for yourself—even an act of generosity—you’re not doing it to earn someone else’s approval, affection, or validation. You’re doing it because it … Read more
Be The Author of Your Own Life
Have you ever felt like an actor in a play that someone else wrote? Like you’re performing a role for approval, acceptance, or peace? This is a heavy script to carry. To boot, your life is then a performance. In somebody else’s script. It’s a performance of the lines and the part that you think … Read more
The Hazards of Acquiescence
I once heard someone describe people-pleasing as living with a silent apology for wanting anything different from others. The word “acquiesce” comes to mind. To surrender or submit—an impulse many people-pleasers know well. (Properly understood, surrender – to what is – is a good thing, but I’m talking about capitulation). The pressure to yield to … Read more
Your Desires Are Legitimate
When was the last time you gave yourself permission to feel your true desires? Without guilt, shame, or second-guessing? For many of us, especially those who have spent years adjusting to others’ needs and expectations, the idea of honoring our own desires can feel foreign or even selfish. We’ve been taught to believe that to … Read more
Why I Do This?
Why do I do this? I mean, teach an on-line course and coach people to end people-pleasing? Why am I a therapist? It starts in an ayahuasca ceremony. After a bout of “cleansing” ( a polite way of saying puking as this medicine is a purgative.) I saw in span of a few minutes how … Read more
Self-Expression vs. Self-Justification
There’s a big difference between proving who you are—and simply being who you are. Think about it for a second. How often do we find ourselves justifying, explaining, or trying to prove that we’re somebody—worthy, good enough, lovable? That’s the ego talking, the part of us that feels like it has to hustle for our … Read more
We Are Not Born People Pleasers
We’re not born people-pleasers. We’re born for relationship, to enter into a dance of intimacy with the world. In other words, for love. Somewhere along the line, we discover it’s not on offer. Or it’s hit and miss. The “miss” is what breaks our heart. Like, really, breaks our heart. Our little brains and nervous … Read more
Being Treated Well Is a Non-Negotiable
When we’re not treated well when we’re young, it tends to keep happening in adulthood. Sometimes, it’s hard to even notice because some part of us thinks it’s normal. Early neglect leads to self-neglect. But it’s important to end the habit of accepting bad treatment from others. Phone calls not returned, friends chronically showing up late … Read more
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