Over the years of practicing psychotherapy I have found that there’s a lot of people pleasing going on. 

Its forms are legion. 

David keeps taking more and more projects on at work because he can’t say no to his boss and is worried about losing his job. 

Mary wedded her husband 25 years ago, but standing at the altar she knew it was a mistake. She just couldn’t bear to “hurt him like that”. (Imagine being her husband!)

Jerry said “yes” to a friend who needed him (and his truck) to help him move. He had already agreed to be at home with the kids that afternoon but he didn’t want to let his buddy down. 

Philippa was out with friends who were making derogatory remarks about a friend who wasn’t present. She wasn’t comfortable but remained silent because she was afraid of alienating her friends at the table. 

Simon walks around with a smile on his face, but inside he feels empty, really empty. 

Trevor is a pastor, just like his dad it turns out, but every chance he gets he’s reading up on health issues, because he always wanted to be a doctor. 

And, of course, it happens in therapy as well, where the client picks up on what the therapist is looking for and delivers. (It’s why therapists should be ambition-free). 

People pleasing originates very early in life when we begin to feel like we are not enough. 

We learn that we need to bring added value to the table of life. Because our true self, we discover, is not acceptable, is punished and humiliated, or has no impact on the ones our lives depend on. 

So we are forced to try a different approach than just being ourselves. We scour the environment for what would make “them” happy. Then contort ourselves to fit what “they” need and want. It starts very, very early in life, so that by the time we’re all grown up, it’s an entrenched habit, a default we might not even be aware of. 

Until we are. 

At its core people-pleasing is shame. And shame is the sense that there is something deeply wrong with me. There is something wrong with what I need and want. When I showed the world (mom and dad) my desires I was humiliated. Or punished. Or ignored. 

Guilt is shame’s first cousin. There is existential guilt for existing at all. 

Because my existence (apparently) is causing you to suffer, to be miserable, to be angry, to mistreat me. (It can’t be your fault because then I’m really screwed and if you are actually this mean or unloving then I’m screwed). 

I’ll take the blame. It’s my fault. I’m sorry for existing. What can I do to make it better, to make this stop, because this?, this is unbearable. I’m sorry. I’ll change. Let me take care of you. What will please you? 

Then maybe you’ll love me. 

So we curate a pleasing personality, custom made for less than ideal conditions.  

I’ll tune into what you need and want. Because if I give you what you want you’ll be able to take care of me. Or at least stop humiliating me. 

I’ll turn myself into whatever it is that you need me to be. Helpful? Sure. Quiet? No problem. Compliant? You got it. Charming (smile for the camera). Easy peasy. 

I’ll adjust myself to your mood. Which means I need to get very good at reading the room – like my life depends on it. 

Essentially people pleasing involves the curation of an ego that performs life for others. 

You write the script. You tell me what you need me to be. I’ll play my part in the story you’ve written for me. 

This is the performative self. 

And if I perform really well (that is, take care of your needs and wants) then maybe, just maybe, you’ll be able to finally take some delight in me, see me, include me in your life. 

But it never works. It didn’t work when you were little – except to help you survive. 

And it won’t work as an adult. 

But by the time you’re an adult it has become a habit, a default mode of being, that you may not even be fully aware of. 

Yet there are clues. 

Signs that something is wrong appear. 

Resentment, for example. After all, you’re giving your best, you’re taking care of everybody else, but who is taking care of you? 

With your unconscious anger at the whole set up you might become passive aggressive: you’re always late; you’re moody; you smile but inside you are seething; you say “yes” but don’t follow through, a sarcastic remark betrays your anger. 

Exhaustion is another sign. From giving yourself away. Over and over again. From living somebody else’s life which means you’re not drawing on the vital force that wants you to live your life. From not getting your own needs met – because you don’t even think about your own needs at this point. 

Then there is depression. For all of the reasons above. You have one life to live and it’s not your own that you’re living. The batteries are run down. 

Or when you’re all alone and the performance is over, anxiety creeps over you. Anxiety is the presence of all this unlived life roiling and boiling beneath the surface. It’s grief’s river, all that unlived life that is threatening to overflow its banks if you start loving yourself and living your own life. 

What will people think of you, how they will treat you if you stop people pleasing? Who will you be if you aren’t pleasing everybody else, taking care of everybody else, tuning into everybody else’s feelings, and incessantly wondering if they are judging you? 

Will you even know yourself? What are your desires? What is the life that has been lost in living somebody else’s life? 

Here’s the truth of the matter, anxiety is people pleasing behaviour itself. It’s insidious because society doesn’t distinguish between authentic goodness, kindness, service and “goodness”,  and the”kindness” , “service” that is born of the anxiety of not being enough. 

In fact, it reinforces it. 

What to do? 

My new course, The Heart Self Method, will be focused on people pleasing. It will be launching this fall, dates to be announced. There will be a new website dedicated to this 12 week program. The program will use the 12 recorded talks from my 12 week course Live Your Own Life along with its principles. 

But we’ll drill down further and apply these principles to ending people pleasing behaviours. In as little as 12 weeks. 

It’s like getting two programs in one. 

As well, I will be doing two live sessions per week, to answer questions, deepen the conversation, and build community. 

If you’re interested email me.